Jeff Bezos has sewn me shut

JEFF BEZOS HAS SEWN ME SHUT

So Amazon Prime guarantees my delivery- free of charge- in two days from the placement of the order. Really? Why the rush, I ask. Take your time. Be sure my product is properly packed, the parcel box adequately sized, the bar code clearly affixed and once all this activity has been verified by your finest Parcel Person, put it on the rolling racks and send my correct package into the semi-trailer for delivery.

But please. Don’t rush . My recent order of lined office pads is not a life or death struggle. But if I could find the clerk who packed them well… there could be a struggle .In John 8:51 Jesus said: “ I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death.” Well Jesus never met the mack who packed my pads!

You see my pads came and every sheet was glued to the next. I couldn’t open a single sheet! Blue lines and red margins just blurred into a 1/2” of useless particle board. I thought it may have been a fluke so I ordered a set of Motor Trend magazines from 1973 to 1983. And well you guessed it! Each page of each edition was glued shut! Even the Chevy Vega article was unreadable. I was able to see a few words , like, “ junk”, “worst car” horrible design” and “ Chevrolet company demise.”

Now I am a forgiving soul so I thought I’d tempt fate once again. I ordered a 64 piece set of Tupperware containers. I opened the box and you guess it! Every container and its “ burp” cover was glued shut. They were utterly useless. ( Like JW Booth’s last words.)

I was furious and a tad alarmed. Amazon is such a huge company I can’t believe that someone inside their many fulfillment centers has a glue gun/glue paint brush and is determined to ruin my order! Take Amazon’s Memphis TN center. It has 42 miles of conveyors; processes over 160,00 packages per hour and over 265,00 documents per hour. And you mean to tell me that someone in that cavernous metal framed building singles out my packages!? This is unbelievable, so tragic and well alarming.

“ There he is!” the Parcel Person giggles as he spies my package, bobbing along the conveyer belt sandwiched between an Attend diaper and Feta cheese order. “NORMAN LITWINOVICH OF LEICESTER, MASSACHUSETTS, YOU ARE CURSED!”

Needless to say, I was ready to pick up the phone and register my disdain. But the rotatory dial was glued shut. I couldn’t even get to to “A” for God sake. So I was determined to write a letter of dispute and … you guess it. My typewriter’s keyboard was glued shut! Even with a hard fisted bang of the “Q” button I couldn’t type a darn word, let alone letter. The “)” worked, but what about the beginning “(“ ? And what if what I’m writing is germane to the sentence. Why would I use the parentheses?

That was the nail in Bezos’ coffin. I hand wrote a letter and with envelope and stamp sealed, I headed for my front door. I pulled and yanked but could not open the door. Strange I thought. And upon closer examination I discovered that my door was glued shut!!!

I was determined to mail this letter and headed for the window…

END